Neglected Rambling
by Midnight Dahlia
Summary: An emotionally distraught Trish Stratus writes her feelings down in hopes to understand why her love, Jeff Hardy, left.
1. Neglected Rambling

Loneliness has lost all meaning. My emotions far beyond written expression. Yet I sit here and I try, oh how I try, to put things into a clear perspective. Your beauty, our lust, I'm starved, now I fade into dust. Can you please tell me what's left of us? I see pieces of you inside of me. However, there are also holes where my heart use to be. I am confused and have become numb. Why did you leave? Your words still vivid in the depths of my blurred mind, _it's for the best, _repeats over and over with no notion of time. But dammit Jeff, why couldn't you see that things always have a way of working out. Together we could have battled the dark and stormy weather, I have no doubt. The precautions I took when I saw that you were slipping away. Obviously not good enough because I sit here withered in pain. I admit I may come off as bitter maybe even selfish but how else am I to communicate what is festering within this tormented soul?

I wish for a moment that I could enter your mind. That beautifully strange web of originality would no doubt reveal the answers I long to find. Wait. Hold on, I must take a step back. Here I am again being demanding and unfair. Even in my writing, I tend to be unaware. I will admit I had a way of driving you to the brink. But know that I am sorry and I love you, no matter what you may think. I can still see you clawing. Clawing for your happiness as you put up with my bullshit. I must say, reflecting on ones faults is truly a bitch. One thing though, you must confess, I was there for you until you took your last breath. I held your hand, tried to stop the blood, kissed you good bye and cried for months. When you say this was all for the best I wonder for whom? I certainly know that it wasn't me you were referring to. Because I still dream, dream about us. And I still long, long for your touch. How the HELL can you justify leaving in such an awful way? One shot, click, pull, BOOM, you're blown away. Dead by your own hand. Two seconds, just two seconds, sooner and I could have stopped this deranged sequence of events. Jeff, damn you JEFF HARDY! How can you defend this kind of torture you've put me through? I will never understand.

Dream! Do you remember our dreams? Children, acres of land, a beautiful house. A reality I will never know. At least not now. It would be wonderful to see you again. Do you think we will be reunited in the end? I can imagine you in Heaven with the angels of our children that can never be born. Please Jeff can you answer my cries? Please Jeff can you tell me why? It's getting late and I must go. I sit here and pour the last of my Vodka, drowning this hollow soul. Remember my image, remember our happiness, and remember our love for it is not lost within my being. Excuse the tear drops on this letter, excuse the blood splatters. Yes I tried again, but I am weak and cannot bring my life to an end. Well it is day 365 since our last goodbye and on our anniversary, I close this neglected rambling with a soft sigh.

I MISS YOU… Trish


	2. Phantom Answers

Phantom Answers-Sequel to Neglected Rambling

A realm neither Heaven nor Hell. A realm where you can see the tears of your loved ones and know things are not well. A realm where Phantoms float. A realm where I read all your notes. You thought all your writings were in vain. But I read them and saw your pain. Your grace, our love, I'm trapped, now in a world unknown. There is nothing left of us. I am condemned. Treasure your breath for you don't want to end up like me. Fill the holes with memories of our happier times when we were spiritually free. I am sorry Trish that I couldn't see a clear blue sky. But the storm had a hold of me and I had no notion of light. Life can be a no win battle, day in and day out living with a lie. The lie of telling people you are happy when in reality you are miserable and don't know why. I wore the disguise of a carefree guy. However, all I could think of was taking my own life. Would you have understood that or rather heard those lies? I often wonder would you have remained if I burdened you with my pain. I guess we will never know.

You say how you wish you could enter my mind. Answers you would surely find. Yet, my mind is not where to go. You need to enter my soul. Remember you had my heart but the world is what tore my soul apart. Please don't be cautious around me! Your strength is what intrigued me. I know we had a rocky past and your behavior was sometimes crass. Still I know you loved me and I never thought any differently. Don't blame yourself. Faults we all have! Yes I clawed for my happiness; I was looking for something worth this stress. But please remember baby, this was my mess. I cannot justify what I did and at the time, I thought killing myself was for the best. Two seconds more would not have made any difference. I was too deep into depression and yearned to pull the trigger. I will admit I had second thoughts. However, once I pulled that trigger I felt relieved that my chaos was put to an end. You say you will never understand but give it time wounds will mend. 

Dream! What are dreams? This dark world only allows sorrow and time. Sorrow, from all my loved ones left behind. Time, to reflect on why I ended my life. Our dreams sound sweet. Our children, unfortunately, I was never in Heaven to greet. Will we reunite in the end? That will never happen because I am condemned. I do hear your cries and I wish I was there to dry your eyes. As you lay asleep in the bed we use to share, I wish you could hear why I needed relief from my despair. Unfortunately, I am just a phantom left to roam this empty chamber. I watch your hurt like an old movie aging with time. And I see the splatters on the letters, cuts on your wrist, and tears stains you leave behind. You say you cannot kill yourself because you are not strong. The reality is I am pulling at you making you stop. Suicide is not the way; it will only lead to an afterlife dark and gray. I must say goodbye now. Trish, I love you and please don't destroy yourself. Live life to the fullest if you are lucky enough to see tomorrow. 

Love you forever although we will never be together,

Jeff 


End file.
